One Legged Horse
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When I went skiing I thought I saw either:
- A guy with one leg skiing or
- A guy riding a horse with one leg
I was coming over a rise on the chairlift, and it was some distance away. As the chairlift cleared the ridge it VANISHED. It was some kind of skiing uniped horse ghost!
In the end, it was neither. Just a tree.
The story is a let down I know.
I was really hoping that it was the one legged horse. How awesome would that be?!
CLOMP <long pause>
CLOMP <long pause>
CLOMP <long pause>
^^^ full on gallop.
Vegetarian Ground Beef
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Last night I made some nachos. I don’t want to brag or anything, but my nachos are fucking awesome.
Only yesterday I was tired and broken and hungry so instead of waiting to cook ground beef I decided to get Yves faux Mexican ground beef. I don’t mean like a fake Mexican from Texas or something, I mean like a fake cow from actual Mexico. Or maybe a fake cow from fake Mexico. Hell for all I know someone took some lettuce down to a salsa dance lesson and called it close enough.
AHHH A SEVERED HEAD AHHHH
I’ve always been wary of things that taste dramatically different than what they are made of, and plants that look, smell, and taste like beef are at the extreme end of that scale.
I unwrapped the beef. Sniffed. Squint. SNIIIIIIIIFFFF.
Hmm… seems ok. Alright “beef” staring contest you and me go.
…
Nothing.
I wondered how my plants feel about this stuff. I took a bit and buried it in the soil next to my plant by the window, the one I call Robert.
I watered it. We’ll see what happens.
I imagine that if something does grow it would be like Robert waking up in a scene from The Godfather. A plant cow head growing in the bed of soil next to him.
It’s a message. Meatloaf night – you’re next Bobby.
Chainsaw Fish? Fuck Yeah!
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I just read that National Geographic has a documentary thing called “Wild Chainsaw Fish”!!!
How rad is that?!?
I imagine them to be just like sword fish except made by Husqvarna and with a pull start. Think about it: a fish, but with a chainsaw instead of a regular fish beak!
Menacing and dangerous.
This actually segue nicely into a kitchen appliance I invented on the weekend: Kitchen Chainsaw. Just like a turkey knife except way more awesome. Where an electric kitchen knife might make a precise smooth cut, this baby would do the exact opposite. Bits of meat flying everywhere amidst acrid exhaust smoke. But it would cut a turkey in seconds. Lighting fast kitchen meat devastation. Who wouldnt want that over the holidays.
Anyway I’m going to watch this thing about the chainsaw fish and report back on just how totally awesome they are.
How You Do It
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I was talking to someone the other day and the subject of doin’ it came up. So to speak. This is how you do it:
You do it like you cook a burrito.
3 minutes on HIGH
then flip over
3 minutes the other side. On HIGH
Bing, all done.
Ladies.
The Divine Plan?
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I’m not a huge believer in the institution of religion, but I sort of have an inkling that there is a lot that we, as humans, have yet to discover, or have yet to describe accurately.
Is all this superfluous Aether purposeful? Are we all indeed interconnected? How much free-will is there and how does it tie into destiny? Do our decisions really matter? Is there a divine order? What if the creationists are on to something?
I was just playing Tetris when all these questions flooded my mind, because I had just taken a poop so big it made me wonder if God intended for me to be gay. How can something that large have come out of me, and there not be a divine plan associated with that? I’m assuming that not everyone can have 3 feet of anything inside them and live to tell about it.
I’m not even walking funny.
Anyway it’s really strange because I love boobs, so if this talent was intended for me, I wish I could trade it to someone that could use it. Maybe they can trade me how to clean my bathroom, because that is an issue that has come to the fore with striking immediacy.
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A friend of mine sent me an invite to Twitter on the weekend. I was confused. I’m still not even sure what Twitter is, but as near as I can tell it allows you to update your Status (ala Facebook) via the internet or SMS or something, so that everyone can follow your status, no matter how minute, during every second of every day.
Given that I loathe Facebook – I can’t imagine that I’d like Twitter. I’ve RSS’d his feed to read when I read the news, but no offence to him, I probably won’t join and post my own status. Just for fun though I thought I’d put together a post of what my Twitter would have looked like from last Sunday:
Damn. That looks Good.
- Jon is eating a hotdog
- Jon has eaten a hotdog
- Jon isn’t feeling so hot
- Jon’s insides are escaping
- Jon’s insides are on the next plane to mexico
- Jon is at home depot replacing his insides with copper pipe
- Jon is feeling better again
- Jon is somewhat concerned with rust
- Jon smells hotdogs…
- Jon doesn’t believe that hotdogs cause rust
- Jon wonders if hotdogs are in fact a rust inhibitor
- Jon loves hotdogs
- Jon is off to get a hotdog
Really this could be my Twitter page for everyday of my life.