YOLO
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I’ve been hearing a lot about this YOLO shit. Read the rest of this entry »
Stealing Pens
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I was at the grocery store last night buying popcorn. In front of me in line was a bit of a strange woman. As I walked up to the till I heard the following exchange between her and the cashier:
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Heavy Leg
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Yesterday I had a pretty stellar medical day. First I had a dentist appointment then I went to see the doctor about the piece of HAMMER that I have in my leg.
The dentist wasn’t so bad, except that they had to freeze my gums this time and that hurt like a bitch and tasted terrible. Apparently this bled a lot because I swallowed a ton of blood. I don’t know how vampires do it. That shit is vile. Right after that I went down to the ole Medicentre to have my Leg looked at.
When I first arrived I took a number and waited. When my number was called the nurse asked me “What seems to be the problem?”
Me: I have a chunk of hammer stuck in my leg!
Nurse: WHAT?! Jesus christ. Come with me, this is a fast-track situation!
Me: Well… I’m not in pain or anything, I …
Nurse: COME WITH ME >:(
So off I go on a fast track situation, which means (as it turns out), sit in a 32 degree oven and fall asleep for an hour while the doctor drives in from the Yukon to see you. Not that I’m mocking our privatized health care system or anything.
Like HELLO I was injured working on my BEE EM DOUBLE YOU, I want EXPEDITED SERVICE HERE!
When the doctor showed up, I welcomed him and showed off my sweet magnet technique from before. He wasn’t impressed.
Dr.: Pfft I can do that *Puts magnets on arm which promptly fall off*
Me: Pfft check THIS out *sticks magnets to leg and waves leg around*
Dr.: Duuuuude! That is AWESOME!! Alright let’s cut you open *makes karate chop action in the air*
I was immediately impressed. This guy is kick ass. Cut away you crazy diamond.
Once I was all frozen up (in the leg this time), he started cutting into me, and digging around inside my leg for some chunks of metal. After about 7 minutes of unsuccessful spelunking, he said he couldn’t find anything.
Me: Dude, what about the magnet?! Want to try that?
Dr.: YA! Man that’s a great idea! Stick it on there!
So I grab the magnet and squish it into the hole. Sure enough it sticks.
Dr.: Shit, still something in there I guess.
Me: Hey! Think the magnet will pull it out?
Dr.: That’d be sweet! Try it!
It didn’t work, so my next step was to go for an X-Ray. I was hoping to parlay this injury into superhero-dom so I brought in a spider with me for the X-raying, thinking maybe, just maybe, our DNA would combine or something. I’ll show you Toby Maguire.
That didn’t work either.
I took my X-Ray back to the Dr. and we analysed it.
That little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy
I squinted and thought “well there is a fucking chunk of metal right there inside my leg”
Dr.: *squints* Hmm, looks inconclusive.
Me: *blinks* What about that chunk of metal there in my leg *points at chunk*
Dr.: Well I think we’re going to need to hear from the radiologist. Could be the stitches. If not you’re going to have to get general surgery.
Me: Sweet!
Anyway here is another gross picture of my leg being stitched up.
And then the bunny runs around the tree and ... shit wait. Um...
Safety Squint
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I had a bit of a mishap with working on the car yesterday. Apparently when people recommend that you wear safety glasses, you fucking should. It’s important, you know, for the seeing.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good safety squint, but if you want to keep on looking at stuff, put some Buddy Holly’s on your face or you’ll go blind.
Changing the axle on the Dirty Pretty yesterday was one of those times where that became quite evident. You see most axles get seized in place and require a sledge hammer to massage out. Unfortunately we didn’t have one at the time, so I was trying to knock the axle out with a framing hammer and another hammer (as a punch). This was working about as well as you’d expect such a shitty setup to work: not at all.
What did happen though is, a few swings in, a chunk of the punch hammer rocketed off and shot directly into my leg. It didn’t hurt all that much, but fuck did it bleed.
I had to throw out my sock :(
I assumed it was just a flesh wound but it occurred to me this morning to check if there was a bit of hammer still in my leg. What is the best way to do that?
SCIENCE!
Using a couple of rare earth magnets, I put them onto my leg over the hammer hole.
A stronger magnet would also solve this problem
Sure enough they stuck in place, even when I turned my leg upside down.
Stay tuned for how I extract it using a Tesla coil and a Juicy Fruit wrapper!
I’d say there is still some hammer in there.
Off to the hospital I go :(
How to Cook Pasta
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Wherein I describe how to cook a single serving of your favourite pasta to eat as a meal. In this example we will be using tortellinis because they are my favourite and have little meat surprises built in.
Serves 1 (one).
Step 1) Go out and buy yourself the biggest fucking tub of a pot you can possibly shoe-horn into your kitchen. This motherfucker better be big enough to flood a small country should it tip over. If you pick anything smaller than a wheel barrow you’re a total failure and should stop reading now.
Step 2) Empty out 3 grocery stores entirely of their supply of torellinis.
Step 3) Measure out your portions carefully, don’t forget that you’re only making one (1) single (1) serving here.
Step 4) Add the pasta to the pot.
Step 5) Squint. Now, does that look like enough pasta to you? There’s only like 8 tortellinis in there! That’s not going to feed anyone. Let alone a world-class food-chef such as yourself!
Step 6) Add more pasta. You probably want to add the entire rest of that package.
Step 7) Squint. Now, does that look like enough pasta to you? There’s only like ONE package tortellinis in there! That’s not going to feed anyone. Let alone a world-class food chef such as yourself! Now listen, don’t screw around here, you are cooking pasta so commit to cooking that pasta. A world-class food chef such as yourself cannot settle for anything less than 100% commitment to this single (1) serving pasta meal.
Step 8) Add in all the rest of the pasta you have. Make sure no actual water is visible in the pot. Only pasta. Not even light should be able to escape from between the pastas.
Step 9) Finish cooking the pasta. Do a good job. Why not make some garlic bread while you’re at it? That shit is delicious.
Step 10) Examine. Welp, it looks like you’ve inadvertently cooked 350lbs of tortellinis. This is probably enough food to feed 4 generations of Italians for Sunday supper or at least 3 regular sized Americans for a snack during the Daytona 500.
How the fuck did this happen? I only wanted one single sized pasta portion!? Dammit! Every fucking time I go to cook pasta >:(
Thankfully my friend Falkenbe is writing a book that covers just this type of situation. It’s a hard cover, due out soon, and it’s entitled “Eat less food you god damn walrus“. It’s only one page and on that page it says: “Eat less food you god damn walrus“.
Falkenbe is wise, and I will do well to remember his lessons.
Business Needs
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Today I an email from some people in our branch to remove the background from Image1.jpg and make it transparent.
VIKING HAT DOT JPEG
No problem – I open it up in photoshop use the ole magic wand tool, cut out the viking hat and boom! I send it back.
Reply email: Great! Can you do this image2.jpg also??!?!?!
Sure why not – Again into photoshop, the magic wand tool and… oh no! A porblem!
The image is so crappy I can’t take the background out. I mean I could but I’d have to guess where the edges are and do some work to remove the errant artifacts around the apple. Screw that. Google Images -> “Granny Smith Apple”
First result, into photoshop, remove the background and emailed to the person. “Here you go!”
Reply: “Thanks!”
They have no idea it’s not the same apple. Hehehehehehhe
:fired:
Music Review: Catherine Wheel – Black Metallic
Posted by Admin | Filed under Media Review
Black Metallic is apparently a classic 90s rock track which I was sent to review. According to the youtube comments it holds precious memories of better days for many. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before which is good – my review will be untainted by images of plaid shirts and Sony Walkmans.
So far this song sounds like it was recorded in a bathroom. These guys are pretty obviously Irish, which in itself is not a problem, but in order for me to understand what they’re saying I need to read the Old Testament while drinking motor oil in short brown pants. The only word I can clearly make out is Skin, so unless this is about tanning, I can only assume its political tirade about the Exxon Valdez. Either that or an ode to the bathroom from Trainspotting.
I’m not even sure this song is in time. These guys want to be Nirvana so bad they’re not just de-tuning their guitars, they’ve gone into the edgy realm of not actually learning how to play instruments in the first place. Black Metallic isn’t a song so much as it is a single chord played at the beginning of the track and then the “band” fiddles with the reverb knob for the rest of the song like they’re trying to hail Sputnik on a radio made from brown beans and discarded washing machine parts.
The production value is where this song really falls down. If it sounded any further away I probably wouldn’t be able to hear it at all, and thus I’d probably think it was good, or, at the very least, not horrible. Silence has better melody and songwriting skills than these guys will ever have.
Verdict: Bland as unsalted rice cakes. If this song were beer, Ireland herself would declare it “water” and use it to wash the storm sewers clean of discarded Sinead O’Connor cassette jackets and the Ebola virus.
Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0O9uNvoMec