I Don’t Like the Font
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My boss often sends me emails “Can you send me your feedback on the attached document by end of day?”
One Legged Horse
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When I went skiing I thought I saw either:
- A guy with one leg skiing or
- A guy riding a horse with one leg
I was coming over a rise on the chairlift, and it was some distance away. As the chairlift cleared the ridge it VANISHED. It was some kind of skiing uniped horse ghost!
In the end, it was neither. Just a tree.
The story is a let down I know.
I was really hoping that it was the one legged horse. How awesome would that be?!
CLOMP <long pause>
CLOMP <long pause>
CLOMP <long pause>
^^^ full on gallop.
Timstalk
Posted by Admin | Filed under Tim
Tim
I don’t think i know anyone who drinks tea at Tim Horton’s
Vladmir
I do
Tim
but wait I thought you said you weren’t the person posting about me
um, in the responses to your blog posts
Vladmir
I’m not
Tim
bah well it’s not me
is it Someguy?
I think your blog has limited readership
Vladmir
that might be
Tim
so it is Someguy?
Vladmir
it might have been
Tim
I don’t think Someguy knows me…
sure, we were probably in CS at the same time for a couple years… like you and I…
but even though I won the 2003 or 2004 or w/e starcraft tournament, you didn’t remember me
also i’m reasonably sure i had that on my resume when I applied to bioware
Vladmir
I wondered why you had that mug made
the one that says “2003 or 2004 or w/e Starcraft tournament champion”
Tim
2004-04-08
although for some reason i thought it was in 2003…
I did go to a few of the lan parties, but only one of them had a starcraft tournament
Vladmir
I went to one LAN party.
I remember thinking
who the fuck are all these nerds
How to do a Demo
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Here are a few simple steps that I’ve learned over the years on how give a successful product demo.
1) Be sure to talk to the screen. The screen is your audience. Fuck the people. Well, don’t fuck the people (until step 4).
2) NEVER TEST. If you’re going to show off something you’ve built. Such as a cannon, perhaps. Don’t bother testing it. How hard is that shit?? Explosives go in one end of the tube. Sharp things go in next. Light a match. BOOM! Freedom. It’s not like its going to explode in your hands taking your arm off at the shoulder or anything. Pussy.
3) If you screw up be sure to sweat. A LOT. Sweat is the lubricant of a successful presentation. You don’t want your demo to overheat and sieze up.
4) Fuck the audience. They’ll love you for it. All night long.
5) Reference the cloud. That shit is the future. THE FUTURE.
6) When you’re asked about the price – make it a shitload of money. Its worth it – you’re solid gold. Just look at your suit. Gold threads, gold tie, gold watch, gold boots. GOLD.
Technique
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After my blog post talking about my unfortunate misadventures swimming the other week, I received the following text from a dear reader:
G: I’m leaving the gym now. And I think I “win”…
I saw:
Naked old man on his back in the shower on a bed made of flutter boards. Doing either stretches or exercises.
Mein gott!
I didn’t even stop to make the “WTF?!” eye contact with the other shower users…
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA WTF
G: Yea, let’s see you beat that!
Me: I don’t want to :(
However…
This week I went swimming again. It wasn’t as busy this time and thinking I had paid my dues, and been through the worst of the naked-dudes-in-the-shower-storm, I wasn’t concerned about any long term mental scarring. I strode confidently into the nearly empty change room.
Hubris.
After I finished changing, I turned towards the shower area intending to avail myself of the mandatory pre-pool cleansing shower. That’s when I spotted him (from all the way across the change room).
There he was standing in the middle of the shower area – bright blue swim trunks down around his knees. Washing himself. Vigorously.
Ugh not this again.
He then bent over at the waist, reaching both arms down between his legs above his knee length swim suit to vigorously wash his ass.
From below.
What in the sweet almighty fuck is this and why the fudging shi-caka would you do it in a public pool?!?
Not only that but he was facing ass towards the change room so that everyone could bask in the glory of his technique. I’m 90% sure there is a yoga pose named after this:
Dirty Goat Cleanse.
After a while there was only one hand visible.
I hope it’s lost forever.
Dirty Pretty Update
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I managed to squeeze some work in on the Dirty Pretty today. It went mediocre.
Things accomplished:
- Rear Brakes replaced
- Remaining bits of parking brake removed
Things not accomplished:
- Right Rear half-shaft not replaced
The fucking nut on the halfshaft wouldnt come off. I tried my breaker bar but the nut is shallow and the socket I bought has an angle where the teeth are, such that it wont grip the nutzzzz very well unless they’re taller. I spent tonight doing some spelunking for a new socket and noticed that with the brakes replaced the death grind is gone. I also notice Canadian Tyre is fucking bullshit and don’t carry individual sockets anymore. Cocks.
Unfortunately, the car is now vibrating like a dryer set to light speed with wet towels only on one side. At first I thought I hadn’t tighted all the lug bolts on my wheels, but it seems like now the halfshaft is totally done. Under acceleration it’s like I’m back in highschool with subs vibrating the car to pieces only this time the music playing isn’t Q-Tip, it’s the booming sound of my impending doom.
I’m pretty pissed at the car, so this update isn’t funny at all. Sorry, dear reader, you deserve better.
I’m considering throwing this car out and financing a WRX or a Mini. Bah. BAH I SAY.
If I do I’ll film myself driving it into a tree first.
Er… A Blog a Weekday?
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Well so much for a blog a day. I was driving home on Saturday night around 1 thinking: “Shit, I forgot to blog today :(”
I don’t think that I quite thought out this whole “Blog a Day” concept. Apparently weekends also contain these “Day” things that I’ve been hearing so much about. Hence forth, and to protect myself from becoming a failure, I will write 31 (minus 2) posts on weekdays!
I probably shouldn’t count this one either.
Bah.
Video Review: Daft Punk – Technology
Posted by Admin | Filed under Media Review
Daft punk has a penchant for cool and usually retro, videos – so I’m looking forward to this. In fact one of my favourite videos of all time is the video for “Da Funk”, which features a human sized dog-man walking around on crutches carrying a boom-box. He’s just like a normal guy with some awesome beats, but then he misses the bus. Poor puppy :(
I’m hoping for an sweet video here, and have been told to check out the robot. I will keep my eyes peeled.
In true Daft Punk fashion this video has a stylishly retro, 8-bit introduction going on and HOLY GOD WHAT IN THE SWEET BUTTERED FUCK IS THAT THING?!?!
Hmm. I believe that I’ve spotted the Robot.
Wow – that’s got to be the creepiest damn thing I’ve ever seen. Its like Chucky but lacking in skin, and anything that doesn’t have any skin is scary and wrong. Yes, even Robbie Williams. Yeesh! It’s a good thing I kept my eyes peeled because I might just have missed him and that would have sucked because this robot has an important message for the kids:
Kids, you will look absolutely hideous should you remove all your skin.
Now I see what I’d look like if I kept my eyes peeled all the time and therefore :safteySquint:
Imagine the plot of iRobot if Asimov’s robots looked like this guy. There wouldn’t even be a story to tell. Somethings are just so ugly that you can tell at first glance they should die (the Goblin Shark, for one). Will Smith would have Aww Hell Naww’d in the first 2 minutes and blown the robot up no questions asked. People would have rejoiced. Broom – movie over. Thankfully.
Somewhere in the bowels of Deutschland, Rammstein is hanging upside down in a broken down meat locker, beating themselves with iron pipe for not inventing this robot first. They had to settle for a midget clad in leather to follow them around on tour handing out dildos and ball gags. How pedestrian. Also, I’m pretty sure the two dudes playing guitar in this video are an homage to Robert Palmer’s guitar girls – but for a modern, creepy as fuck, time. Its the year hellthousand and DEAR GOD WHY. Prepare to die.
Verdict: Creepy video, but good song. Parents, if you’re looking around for a lullaby maybe skip this and check out something by Lamb Chop or perhaps Marilyn Manson.
Watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPZJYQXQsm8