2 Things
Posted by Admin | Filed under Posts
There are only two things I know about Gordon lightfoot and they are thus:
- He is Canadian
- That god awful noise I heard coming from a goldbeige 1978 Ford Mustang II, one day at racing as it yawed and pitched around the course, was apparently Gordon Lightfoot and not a failing water pump.
That is all.
Technique
Posted by Admin | Filed under Posts
After my blog post talking about my unfortunate misadventures swimming the other week, I received the following text from a dear reader:
G: I’m leaving the gym now. And I think I “win”…
I saw:
Naked old man on his back in the shower on a bed made of flutter boards. Doing either stretches or exercises.
Mein gott!
I didn’t even stop to make the “WTF?!” eye contact with the other shower users…
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA WTF
G: Yea, let’s see you beat that!
Me: I don’t want to :(
However…
This week I went swimming again. It wasn’t as busy this time and thinking I had paid my dues, and been through the worst of the naked-dudes-in-the-shower-storm, I wasn’t concerned about any long term mental scarring. I strode confidently into the nearly empty change room.
Hubris.
After I finished changing, I turned towards the shower area intending to avail myself of the mandatory pre-pool cleansing shower. That’s when I spotted him (from all the way across the change room).
There he was standing in the middle of the shower area – bright blue swim trunks down around his knees. Washing himself. Vigorously.
Ugh not this again.
He then bent over at the waist, reaching both arms down between his legs above his knee length swim suit to vigorously wash his ass.
From below.
What in the sweet almighty fuck is this and why the fudging shi-caka would you do it in a public pool?!?
Not only that but he was facing ass towards the change room so that everyone could bask in the glory of his technique. I’m 90% sure there is a yoga pose named after this:
Dirty Goat Cleanse.
After a while there was only one hand visible.
I hope it’s lost forever.
SammichLeak
Posted by Admin | Filed under Posts
I went to a meeting this afternoon. A very important meeting of big-wigs.
I was so excited using MBA terms like synergisticfull and pragmatastic and agnostificationatorial, that I totally forgot my bag in the room. Apparently someone has picked it up and taken it back to their offices. The offices of serious high-ranking Officials.
Contained within this bag is a genuine hand-made chicken sammich.
The contents of which are both dire and miracle-whipped.
I’m certain that scientists in small pox level HAZMAT suits are carefully applying chemicals and probes to my bag attempting to extract all of its secrets. Chicken or otherwise.
Now that my bag is out in the wild, it is only a matter of time before the sandwich hits the desk of Julian Assange and its secrets are published on the popular SammichLeaks website.
And then the shit is REALLY going to hit the fan.
So um if you see my bag, let me know. It looks like a bag made of seatbelts and if you x-ray it, I assure you the chicken inside it isn’t alive.
Anymore.
Working Hard
Posted by Admin | Filed under Hurrbot
<Hurrbot> i think ill sit here and look at the wall for a while
<Hurrbot> tapetape
Down With O.M.D.
Posted by Admin | Filed under Posts
I went swimming the other day. It was fun, despite only barely managing not to drown. Swimming is hard work fyi.
After about 35 minutes of swimming, I hit the hottub to relax my rippling abdominals and get warm before I had to trudge back out into the cold weather. It was about 5 minutes to closing time and I had a brilliant notion. The type of idea that warrants a press conference and shakes the very foundations of life as we know it:
I would leave early to beat the rush!
Looking around the pool area, there were a lot of people still swimming and lounging – surely by leaving right now I would be the only one in the change room! Brilliant!
Post Haste, I gathered my goggles and walked gingerly, but as fast as humanly possible, to the mens.
Boy was I wrong.
Immediately upon entering the shower area I was overwhelmed by a tsunami of Old Man Dicks that were also beating the rush.
Dear god. What have I done?
I showered frantically. Eyes clamped shut like a Nun’s vagina, I pleaded silently with the shower head. Please send the water faster, please I beg you, more water!
After what felt like an eternity in darkness, I was done. I bolted.
Most of the old men were still showering. I had some time, but I had to work quickly. I opened my locker (one of the bring your own lock types on the bottom row surrounded by still locked lockers), stripped down and began towelling off as fast as humanly possible.
All too soon my time was up.
I glanced towards the shower area and locked eyes with one of the Old Men. He turned on his heel and steamed towards me – not in my direction, but directly at me. I was caught like a deer in headlights, gripping my towel tightly and backing away slowly wishing my towel could also cover up my eyes and long-term memory.
He was totally naked. No towel, no swim trunks, nothing. Not even any fucking goggles.
Where did he come from that he is now totally and completely naked? What the hell kind of sick pool is this?!?
A fraction of a second before he would have bowled me over, he juked left to the locker beside mine and bent over at the waist to open his locker.
My eyes! My poor eyes!
It was like looking into the tail lights of a wrinkled F-150 with truck nuts hanging from the bumper.
The Old Man furiously attacked the lock using only the numbers that were invented when he was in grade school: ”4″ through “bushel”. Needless to say, this didn’t open the lock. He was getting more and more agitated with each attempt, shaking the lock and his truck accessories around with each failure.
I started to feel bad for him and noticed the locker immediately to the right of mine had the exact same lock as the current one he was trying to open. I sighed.
*AHEM* “Sorry, but I just noticed this locker over here has the same lock, maybe this one is your locker?” I offered gingerly.
“AHA! You might be right!” he replied and proceeded to SQUEEZE BETWEEN ME AND MY LOCKER on his way to the locker on the right. I recoiled.
WHAT THE FUCK
Thats it. I’m not toweling off anymore. Soaking wet, I threw on whatever clothes I could grab with my eyes closed and bolted.
Jacket around my left leg. Sock on one arm. Fuck it, I’m out of here.
Old Men: They love to show you their wrinkled cocks.