Dirty Pretty Update
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I managed to squeeze some work in on the Dirty Pretty today. It went mediocre.
Things accomplished:
- Rear Brakes replaced
- Remaining bits of parking brake removed
Things not accomplished:
- Right Rear half-shaft not replaced
The fucking nut on the halfshaft wouldnt come off. I tried my breaker bar but the nut is shallow and the socket I bought has an angle where the teeth are, such that it wont grip the nutzzzz very well unless they’re taller. I spent tonight doing some spelunking for a new socket and noticed that with the brakes replaced the death grind is gone. I also notice Canadian Tyre is fucking bullshit and don’t carry individual sockets anymore. Cocks.
Unfortunately, the car is now vibrating like a dryer set to light speed with wet towels only on one side. At first I thought I hadn’t tighted all the lug bolts on my wheels, but it seems like now the halfshaft is totally done. Under acceleration it’s like I’m back in highschool with subs vibrating the car to pieces only this time the music playing isn’t Q-Tip, it’s the booming sound of my impending doom.
I’m pretty pissed at the car, so this update isn’t funny at all. Sorry, dear reader, you deserve better.
I’m considering throwing this car out and financing a WRX or a Mini. Bah. BAH I SAY.
If I do I’ll film myself driving it into a tree first.
Call of the Dirty Pretty
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Have you ever put all your cutlery in a blender and turned it on “Liquify”?
Combine that sound with the sound of a bald eagle eating attacking a cat, all getting eaten by a velociraptor. That’s the exact sound my car is making right now, everywhere I drive.
I’m reasonably certain that sometime in the very near future a wheel is going snap right off the car and book it down the street like that dungeon guy’s kids.
I’M FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Stupid wheel get back in the dungeon >:(
Vegetarian Ground Beef
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Last night I made some nachos. I don’t want to brag or anything, but my nachos are fucking awesome.
Only yesterday I was tired and broken and hungry so instead of waiting to cook ground beef I decided to get Yves faux Mexican ground beef. I don’t mean like a fake Mexican from Texas or something, I mean like a fake cow from actual Mexico. Or maybe a fake cow from fake Mexico. Hell for all I know someone took some lettuce down to a salsa dance lesson and called it close enough.
AHHH A SEVERED HEAD AHHHH
I’ve always been wary of things that taste dramatically different than what they are made of, and plants that look, smell, and taste like beef are at the extreme end of that scale.
I unwrapped the beef. Sniffed. Squint. SNIIIIIIIIFFFF.
Hmm… seems ok. Alright “beef” staring contest you and me go.
…
Nothing.
I wondered how my plants feel about this stuff. I took a bit and buried it in the soil next to my plant by the window, the one I call Robert.
I watered it. We’ll see what happens.
I imagine that if something does grow it would be like Robert waking up in a scene from The Godfather. A plant cow head growing in the bed of soil next to him.
It’s a message. Meatloaf night – you’re next Bobby.
My Back Hurts
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Paintballing is fucking hard work.
I might be getting old as hell, but I went to a bachelor party on the weekend that started out with a couple of hours of paintballing. Should be fun I thought, a couple of hours casually strolling through a field exercising all of my hard earned Goldeneye skills shooting the groom-to-be in the ass with some paintballs, willfully staining his little pink dress in what is surely foreshadowing the wedding night. Except, in theory, the dress wouldn’t have to be duct taped on, and the bride really should be much less hairy.
In theory.
Those ideas were summarily shattered, however, once the first round was over. Each of us emerged from the bush 4 minutes later dripping with sweat, covered in paint and bruises, and looking for buckets of water to drink. CP got the worst of it. As soon as the guide said go, CP thought there would be plenty of time to uncork his gun barrel, turn off the safety, and stroll over to a safe hiding spot. Immediately he was pelted with a dozen paintballs from 4 guys who had obviously done this before. Poor bastard.
After that first round, I learned that paintball was actually a thin mask for “do squats for 2 straight hours and try not to fall into a disgusting slough while avoiding getting nailed by a little ball going 330 km/h”.
Paintballing is bullshit.
After a nice steak dinner (surrounded by people wearing jackets and ties, and us, covered in paint and smelling of jungle fever) we moved on to the casino and then a bar on 109st and 107ave. The only things around there are this bar and a bunch of stabbings. To call this place a Dive would be to discredit many rundown dungeons unfit for human occupation. It was an utter shithole. It looked exactly like the utility room of a rundown slum, complete with wires hanging from the ceiling and a drain in the floor.
WELCOME TO MY BAR CAN I GET YOU A DRINK WE HAVE A VERY NICE PINOT NOIR ON SPECIAL TONIGHT
When the 12 of us strolled in, we tripled the patronage. I guess one of the dudes in the bachelor party “knew the owner” who turned out to look and act just like Andrew WK does. Only without any margin of “talent”. Except to be drunk and not fall down. Which Andrew WK also does. We went there under the auspice of a band and rock show, but it ended up being a small riser in the corner stuffed full of a huge old dude in a scraggly beard and fedora aptly named “Dirty Larry” and his octogenarian accompanying ladies called the “money honies”. The mental image of the threesome that was sure to develop by the end of the night had me snorting hydrogen peroxide like I was Amy Winehouse, in a feeble attempt to cleanse my brain.
3 minutes later we left.
Next on the stop was Divas. The pipe fitters among you might recall that Divas was formerly Crazy Horse at Mayfield common. I’ve never been there, but it was billed as an “Exotic Ultra Lounge” and we had a tube sock with 200 loonies rusting a hole in the trunk of the best man’s 87 Buick Century. I haven’t been to the strippers in a couple of years but not much has changed. I’m going to quit my job to teach stripping, since it basically seems to be: Step, Step, Turn, Step, Step, Step, Turn, Jiggle, Step <repeat>. At least the pool table was free. Such as it was. There were 9 solids, 6 stripes and no 8. And the table sloped at least 40 degrees toward the door. In the end though, it was still a fun time and we closed Divas down.
Maybe for good. You all missed your chance.
Yesterday I woke up and my legs were burning like we’d pushed that Buick to Calgary. Let this be a lesson kids:
Don’t go to paintball and don’t trust a guy that looks like Andrew WK or smells like Dirty Larry.
Dr. Badass
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This is so fucking badass:
You fucking WISH you were me
Also there is this video: How to drive a 911 through a lake.
Bon[a|e]r
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I hear there is a guy named Bonar running for Mayor in #yeg. I think I’m going to vote for him based on his name alone, and this post will serve as my application for Communications Director for the 2010 Bonar Campaign.
Running for Mayor is hard work, but I believe Bonar is up for it.
I'm Batman.
I hear that Bonar is rigid, but not inflexible. When presented with the right angle, he’ll bend to satisfy. Up to 30 degrees. That’s normal.
A key feature of Bonar is the ability to juggle many balls at the same time, which can definitely come in handy.
Bonar is ready and willing to whip the city into submission and won’t dick around.
Bonar isn’t cocky and won’t get sucked into asinine issues.
I think you’ll find there is a Vas Deferens between Bonar and the other candidates.
In short: Bonar stands out and looks damn good in a turtle neck.
Train Stuck
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There was a train stuck on the tracks this morning.
I got up 40 minutes earlier than I normally do to make sure that I could catch an early enough bus so that I’d be at work on time for an important meeting on the future direction of our department. I put on a nice shirt and made sure I’d have enough time to grab breakfast at Timmies before it started. And let me tell you, dear readers, I smelled excellent. (smelt? no of course not smelt. I didn’t fashion my scent out of boiling tin. Fuck.)
I just invented this today! PATENT PENDING
That changed about 12 minutes later when the bus arrived totally packed to the brim with sweaty commuters. Yeesh. Us peasants ARE revolting. The LRT was the same situation.
Upon finally arriving at Century Park it was immediately stuffed entirely full with people. Awkwardly rubbing up ons one another generating even more odoriferous friction than was left by the previous occupants of the train. Passengers were left at every station following Century Park, unable to squeeze onto the train like so much american tube cheese.
The issue was, apparently, an LRT train that was stalled at University station. It wasn’t able to move and the butterfly effect of this up and down the line was causing nothing short of CHAOS! At first I accepted this.
Stuck train? How terrible. This unforeseen problem, causing all these unfortunate travelers such issues. I mean if an LRT car can’t move, how can it not cause disaster for the whole transit system?
Then I thought a bit more…
Wait. How about you get a fucking truck with some of those train wheels on it and you push that fucker out of the tunnel and onto the relief track at south campus. I mean it’s not like it’s called heavy as fuck rail transit.
And while we’re on the topic of ETS improvements: maybe add some buses that run at an interval that doesn’t make riding transit only marginally faster than watching a Snail beat off to the dishes section of the Ikea catalogue.
Conservation
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I came across this awesome invention in my Google Reader suggested things to read (it knows me so good). It’s a design for a water conservation system.
This new version of Frogger fucking sucks man
Here is the link to the thing I read, and at right is a picture of said water saving guillotine.
Basically as you fill up your water bottle or shoes with water, it indicates how much you are using, and how serious this is, by putting a small fish at peril.
Plus free fish poo in your water bottle!
Still, what a great idea!
It would be even better if they extended this idea to blender conservation and used small cuddly kittens.
Lamp with Envy
Posted by Admin | Filed under Tim
Tim
sweet, got my gift
Vladmir
what is it? a clock?
Tim
lantern
Vladmir
is it green?
Tim
grey
just like morality
/roswell aliens
Vladmir
aliens come from old mexico not new mexico
…
Tim
now that I have the lantern, how about we go camping
we just need a tent
Vladmir
I’ve already got a tent
in my pants
if only I could illuminate it somehow!
Vladmir
oh wait
it is illuminated
…
strange
The Hiccups
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The hiccups are brutal, and like the common cold or where do babies come from, there is no answer.
Why do they happen? No idea.
Why do I make a noise like a Velociraptor getting kicked in the balls whenever I get them? No idea.
Located in seasonal next to the BBQs
There are plenty of common remedies for the hiccups. Every other person you talk to has an ancient solution, something passed down through the generations by a shady elder relative of questionable qualification.
Oh really, drinking 6 liters of motor oil and burning a live goat during the vernal equinox will do it? Your second-cousin’s great-grandpa was a 200 year old Australian medicine man that invented horses? Right, no ya, I’ll for sure try that as soon as I can get to a Canadian Tire that also sells goats.
Just this morning @HommeSauvage was telling me that to cure my hiccups all I had to do was hyperventilate for 30 seconds and then hold my breath for 2 minutes. I’m not sure thats an answer. In fact, if that doesn’t make me pass out, I’d eat a burning goat.
The problem with hiccups is the panic. Mine are so loud and so spastic that if observed in a public place I would certainly be labelled an invalid and be captured in a net and shipped off to an institution in the name of public safety.
Worse than the embarassment though is the fear that should I sneeze or cough at the exact moment of a hiccup, I’m 100% certain my head would explode. This, naturally, leads me to panic as I frantically try to end the hiccups as fast as humanly possible. In turn this exacerbates the problem, leading to bigger, louder, and faster hiccups.
Hiccups are a self-replicating doomsday device and pepper is the trigger. Run for your lives.