Umbrella Ella Ella Ella Eh Eh Eh
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So it’s been raining like a scene from every Patrick Swayze movie outside. Normally in the summer it either doesn’t rain so much or I’m in a car like a grown up and don’t notice. Since I’ve been taking the bus and walking however, it’s come to my attention that I need an umbrella.
The first umbrella I purchased was from Shoppers. They have this handy rack of stylish and compact magical origami-umbrellas. I stopped in one evening (in a car like a grown up) and bought one. It seemed to work well in the store – it was black, light weight, both opened and closed, and looked like it would keep rain drops out of my eyeballs. $15 was a bit more than I thought it was worth but I figured it would last me the summer at least.
You can probably guess where this is going.
The very first time I go to use it, it’s raining fairly hard outside, and I’m out walking my dog. She does her business I’m trying to balance the umbrella on my shoulder while tying up a little bag of poop. I lose my grip and the and umbrella falls to the ground from a height of maybe 5 feet. At an impact speed of maybe 1 kph one of the supports broke in half and wouldn’t hold up that side of the umbrella anymore. So now instead of an umbrella I was carrying around what amounted to basically a sleek, black origami Pac-Man on a stick. Fuck.
Whatever. It’s still usable except on that one side. Fine, I can deal with it, after all I paid FIFTEEN WHOLE DOLLARS for this thing and I’m going to get my monies worth out of it the whole rest of the summer.
The very NEXT day I needed the umbrella on my way home from work to protect me from a monsoon. Rain was coming down in drops the size of baseballs. There was carnage, rioting in the streets and water everywhere. I even saw a fish drown. A FISH. That’s how much water there was.
Accompanying that water was a bit of a breeze. This, in turn, led me to discover that the umbrella would turn inside out at the wheeze of a dying asthmatic. Anything stronger than a cough and that fucker was inside out – instantly collecting liters of water ready to spill on my head as soon as I popped it back into shape. Fuck.
So I smashed it. In the rain, I smashed that bastard to pieces and threw it in the recycle bin. See you in hell, nonbrella.
Tonight began a 2 hour adventure to buy a new one.
My first stop was “Golf to Own” Possibly “Golf Town”. Who knows what these loud-pants call their stores, but I figured if anyone has both the dedication to stand around in the rain for hours on end and the serious anxiety about getting even a drop of water on their alligator shirts, it’s these loud-pants. Unfortunately, In the entire warehouse they had but one small rack with umbrellas. Not quite what I was hoping for. Unsurprisingly all the umbrellas they had were 4 feet long and cheap. Not unlike myself. Ladies. This was, however, not quite what I was looking for in an umbrella that’s supposed to fit in my backpack.
Next up I went to some kind of outdoor camping hunting mega-store. I can’t be bothered to look up what it’s actually called so I’ll call it Redneck Paradise. The first thing that struck me was that everything in the store was camouflage themed. I walked in and it was like there was nothing in the store at all. This place was huge, no way was I going to find an umbrella in here – especially if everything looked like the fucking woods. I took a left, went to customer service and asked if they had any umbrellas. The “girl” at the counter grimaced and said “ugh, if we do it’s in gifts” Gifts? I scanned the store for the sections: Camping, Hunting, Knives, Guns, Archery, Fishing, Ice Fishing, Fly fishing, Fishing Boats, and finally Gifts. What the fuck? Gifts?
Whatever.
I wander over contemplating what kind of gifts could possibly be in a store that wouldn’t look out of place if the floor were drenched with blood and deer insides. That’s when I spied this gem:
Pictured Middle: Jeff Gordon and "The Misses" Line Dancing.
Oh my. This looks like something a sister would give a brother on their 6 month anniversary of taking each others virginity. Happy Anniversary Baby. I love you. Almost as much as Dale Junior. Day-Ju.
I made a bee line for the exit, narrowly escaping with whatever innocence I have left.
Next I resigned myself to check Superstore since it was next door to Redneck Death Incest Emporium of Guns, Fishing and Deer Blood. Immediately I was accosted by a guy who tried to sign me up for a Superstore Mastercard:
“Hi! Can I sign you up for a Mastercard?”
“NO – but you CAN tell me where the umbrellas are!”
“What? Oh uh ya, in seasonal”
“Where is seasonal?”
*Loud Sigh* “over there” *vague gesture right*
“GREAT! How much are they?”
>:( “… I dont know, like 5 bucks” >:(
“Awesome, you have yourself a great day” :D
>:( >:( >:(
Sure enough. Seasonal had umbrellas. But they were $6. That fucker. I was tired of looking though and just bought it. It seems to be sturdier than my old one, and it opened fine in the store.
At $6 I give it a week before I smash it.
Heston
Posted by Admin | Filed under Tim
Tim
you called me out :/
Vladmir
I can see right through you
seriously
get a tan
Tim
I got a bit of a tan
I was in australia for NINE whole days man
Didn’t you see it when we were at taco del mar?
Vladmir
oh ya dude i totally saw your tan
I was like
damn son, you be bronzin