Home Invasion
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Saturday night I was watching TV with Daisy when I heard a faint scratching at my door.
Could it be a squirrel friend that had come to visit? At 2am? I hoped it was. Midnight Squirrel!
I lept to do the door to check on the ole peephole and saw a dude in a black hat closely examining my door lock and fumbling around. Holy shit, I thought, is this a home invasion like I’d seen on FOX NEWS? Was this terrorism at my door? Terror Delivery?
I quickly checked on my sleeping attack dog to make sure she wasn’t disturbed in the slightest by the sounds of my impending rape. Still snoring. Good.
I wasn’t too sure what to do now I made a loud banging on the door using my armies. This woke up my sleeping attack dog who then immediately fled to the bathroom and hid in the tub. At least she’s been keeping up on survival techniques ala Lethal Weapon 2. Good puppy.
The would-be invader was startled by my banging and shuffled off down the hall in the direction of the front door. I listened for the sound of him leaving my building but it seemed like he had wandered further down the hall towards other condos. I wasn’t too sure if I should call the cops, but given there have been a few thefts from cars in my building, I thought that it was better to be safe.
After hanging up with the police, who assured me there were many units speeding towards my building, I heard a familiar scratching at my door. I put on my greatest karate headband and sauntered over. Surely my barrage of One Single Loud Noise was enough to deter even the most determined attacker. What could this new danger be!? It was, predictably, the same dude in a black hat. What an idiot. An examination of the peephole revealed that he now had a safeway bag filled with bags of chips and was apparently trying to start my condo with a set of keys for a GM truck.
Oh its a drunk guy. I removed my karate headband and yelled “Wrong fucking condo dude”
The guy raised his head and squinted, looked left, looked right, squinted, and wandered off. This time I heard the front door to the building open and close. He was gone. The 4 buildings that make up my complex are all nearly the same so I gathered he had wandered into the wrong one. He must have gotten confused. After-all, the buildings lift themselves up off their foundations every 3 months and rotate spots. I think it has to do with ensuring all sides receive ample sunlight. I mean how else could you mistake your building for one that is fucking 200 metres away facing entirely the wrong direction. Oh wait: Whiskey.
I called the 5-0 back to let them know what happened and that the guy was likely drunk and lost and not an armed robist, and that they could cancel the national guard. A few minutes later though, my phone rang, it was a constable in the foyer of my building asking to let them in. I wandered out and the vestibule was stuffed full of 6 cops and this dude. After letting them in so the drunk idiot could try to find where he lives, I asked the cops if they needed me for anything else. The said nope, but as we were walking by my condo the drunk guy said “This is me right here boss” and tried to walk inside.
me: “Uh no, dude, this is me right here, you dont live here”
guy: “oh” <long pause> <shuffles away>
me and the cops: “christ” <rolleyes>
~~fin~~
And that, friends, is how I saved that woman’s baby.
Dr. House of the M3
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So my m3 is broken. I’m having a frustrating time doing research and keeping my thoughts straight as I try to run down this problem.
Engines need the following things to run:
- Fuel
- Air
- Spark
Simple, except that the m3 was built around the time ODBII was brought in, and as such has a cornload of sensors and misc electrical crap to make it work “better”.
The Symptoms:
- Bogging/hesitation – when accelerating or cruising it seems to cut out and loose power. Modulation of the gas pedal seems to have little to no effect. Occasionally this will cause stalling.
- Stalling – the car will turn off sometimes. Has occurred when idling and when driving down the road. Both at cold and hot
- Loss of Power – balls gone missin
Things I’ve done so far:
- Changed the spark plugs from Bosch Platinum 4+ to Iridium by Champion
- Checked coil pack resistance – all were within spec (0.8 )
- Removed air filter
Anecdotes:
- Car had the following OBDII Codes: p0300, P0303, P0304, P0304, P0305
- Car initially felt like the traction control was kicking in and cutting engine power. Turning the ASC on/off made no difference
- It stalled out, when warm at low speed
- Power cuts out for a while then kicks back in
- I removed the Air filter and throttle response was initially better but when driving car stalled.
- Unsure about the reliability of the battery, but it seems fine
- After changing the spark plugs – no start condition. Waiting 10 min with battery unplugged, the car restarted fine
- After removing the air filter, on test drive when it stalled – no start condition. Waiting 10 min with battery unplugged, the car restarted fine
Ideas to try:
- Replace fuel filter
- Replace fuel pump relay
- Replace crank position sensor
- Replace coolant temp sensor
- Replace Air Filter
- Replace Intake Air Temp Sensor
- Check for fuel pressure at fuel rail bleeder screw
- Inspect DME for BIZORT
- Swap around O2 sensors
- Replace O2 Sensors
- Replace MAF
- Replace VANOS unit
Chainsaw Fish? Fuck Yeah!
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I just read that National Geographic has a documentary thing called “Wild Chainsaw Fish”!!!
How rad is that?!?
I imagine them to be just like sword fish except made by Husqvarna and with a pull start. Think about it: a fish, but with a chainsaw instead of a regular fish beak!
Menacing and dangerous.
This actually segue nicely into a kitchen appliance I invented on the weekend: Kitchen Chainsaw. Just like a turkey knife except way more awesome. Where an electric kitchen knife might make a precise smooth cut, this baby would do the exact opposite. Bits of meat flying everywhere amidst acrid exhaust smoke. But it would cut a turkey in seconds. Lighting fast kitchen meat devastation. Who wouldnt want that over the holidays.
Anyway I’m going to watch this thing about the chainsaw fish and report back on just how totally awesome they are.