BatBot
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<HurrBot> I like the idea of vigilantes
Ghost Writer
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So you may notice I didn’t write that last post. If anyone has something they’d like to write and have posted, email it to me. I’ll make up a name for you and no one will ever know who you are.
Then you can go around telling everyone you’re a published author, medical doctor and third world dictator. You know, like I do.
Oh No! Hobo!
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I never know what to do when someone asks me for change. Should I give it to them? Are they going to spend it on booze rather than food? Should I offer to get them a sandwich from the grocery store instead? Turns out that what you should do is offer them shoes.
I was walking home from Brewsters one abnormally warm fall night when I chanced upon a hobo in front of London Drugs.
“Excuse me, miss, do you happen to have the time?”
Now normally I’d think that perhaps this guy is wanting me to pull out a cell phone to check the time, resulting in the immediate theft of said device. It’s quite obvious that I’m not wearing a watch as I have a tank top on and my empty wrists are as obvious as the nose on my face.
I hesitate, love for my iphone on my mind, and then relent, pulling it out of my back pocket.
“7:20,” I say, wary of possible flying fists and flashes of blades.
Then he looks down at my feet, which throws me completely off balance.
“Those are great flip flops,” he says, gesturing with a dirty hand.
“Uh, thanks,” I say, thrown completely off balance by the surprising question, “I got them at Old Navy in West Ed.”
Without warning we shoves me hard. I hit the pavement with a thud, feet flying into the air and purse contents askew! He grabs one of my pink plastic sandals and starts running away.
Meanwhile, I’m confused and uncertain as to what’s going on. Sure, I’ve had a few beers but I’m not passed out, am I???
I shake my head to clear it and stand up, brushing off the dust from the sidewalk.
Taking a deep breath I whistle for Hawkeye, my retrieving eagle.
I loud CAW answers my tweet and he swoops down to land on my air.
“Hawkeye! Flip-flop!” I command.
Hawkeye spreads his wings and pushes off with a mightly flap of his wings.
I check my email.
I check twitter.
I think about downloading some Michael Buble as his voice makes my underwear snap off with his sweet dulcet tones.
CAW!
Ah, Hawkeye is back.
I hold out my arm and he lands, depositing my sandal into my waiting hand.
What the hell? There are teeth marks in the plastic.
“Oh well,” I mutter, sliding on the sandal, “Hawkeye, that was fantastic! Let’s go get some gerbils for you as a treat.”
And we did.
Um I Can’t Hang Out With You Because…
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- I’ve died
- I’m washing my hair
- I’m doing laundry
- I’d rather be watching racing
- I have food poisoning
- I’m baby sitting my moms dog and shes not coming to pick him up until after your party is already over
- I’m gay and I love you and I cant stand to be around you
- I’m allergic to your smell
- I’m hung the fuck over
- I’m at church
- I’m out of food and need to go grocery shopping but the only time I can go is at lunch because I don’t have a car and I’m a slave to transit
- I’m helping sew oats
- I’m helping sew hats
- I’m teaching the blind to read good
- I’m helping move
- I’m writing the worlds next porn sensation and I have a Javascript bug and I’ve been up for 2 days and FUCK WHY WONT THIS WORK
- I lost my phone
- I lost my wallet and have to get a new everything
- It’s moon time and I’m angrysad at everything
- I’ve got that shitty flu happening right now and I sound like elmer fudd
- I’m actually an orangutan and I’m stuck in a tree
- My dad needs me to help him build a shed (he’s old)
- I hate you
Mondays
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I was lying in bed around 2:30 am last night thinking about the point in the morning when I would be at work and all zombie -_- uuuuuuuuuugh fuck everything ssshhhhhhhh whysoloud shhhhhhhhh
And that point this morning I did that exact thing and in turn thought about that time last night at 2:30 am when I was staring at the ceiling thinking about what I imagined that moment to be like, and it was exactly how I imagined it and it sucked.
Then my brain exploded and then I went to make a tea.
Fuck Mondays.
My Bug Friends ::::)
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BOO!
I have this spider in my house. Well, not in my house, it’s at my house, making webs on my patio (the patio formerly known as poop deck).
When I first saw it I thought:
YEGADS! That is a HUGE motherfucking spider AHHHHHHHH RUN AWAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!
I was on my way to call John Goodman to cleanse it, but then I thought to myself, “what if its not a bad spider?” I know there are no black widows around Alberta, so i figured it wasn’t a killer, and after taking a few pictures of it, it didn’t leap at me and murder my face.
Hello, friend
Based on this evidence, I left it alone, especially because I’m tired of killing all the idiot moths that circle my patio lantern. I thought, if this little guy can help me take care of my moth problem, then it can build webs on my poopdeck until it freezes to death in the depressing wasteland that is our winter.
Then the other night I noticed this GIGANTIC dragonfly on my wall right near the spider web. It’s about as big as the palm of my hand. I had the same initail reaction:
What's this? An Aero Plane?
JESUS H CHRIST BUUUUUUUUUURN IT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
but common sense kicked in and now i have another friend. It’s actually quite a pretty blue colour. I wonder if I could get it to fly to Home Depot with me in it’s clutches so I could colour match it’s bum to my bathroom.
I wish that was the end of the tale (lol tail) but evidently someone in my building has a lizard or spider which they feed with crickets.
Here Kitty Kitty Kitty...
Those crickets have been busy doin’ it and now my building is overrun with the things. It looks like the rapture on the first floor – locusts everywhere! Normally I like crickets but after a few hours of cricketing I was getting ready to set my condo ablaze and laugh maniacally while all my shit burned just to stop the incessant noise.
I bought some ear plugs instead. I’m hoping the spiders find the crickets and turn them into key-babs.
Car Stuff – M3 Oil Change
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It was time to change the oil in my baby. I know this because the little lights on the dash have been slowly creeping down from green to yellow to red telling me that it’s time. They should make this a feature on salad dressing. Every single time I go to make a salad at least one of the salads dressing in my fridge is many, many, many months past its expiration date. I guess this is telling me I should either settle on one dressing or make salad more than once a year. Hey, it’s not my fault that salad doesn’t taste like hotdogs. I digress…
Safety Angle
The scheduled maintenance for my car says it’s also time for it’s Inspection II (2) service, which I thought entailed a timing belt and valve lash adjustment. On the newer M3s the Inspection II (2) is a $1400 job requiring a $500 BMW specialty tool. Even if I wanted to do it all myself it would still cost me damn near $800. Ugh. Thankfully though, my M3 is much cheaper – I can have my car’s version of the Inspection II (2) service done at a shop for the low low price of only $800. Ugh II (2).
After researching the service, it mostly comes down to spark plugs, filters, and the like. I wouldn’t even have to replace a timing belt as my car has dual timing chains. Woo! No big deal then, those items can be replaced over the winter – I only have about a left month to drive the car before it snows anyway. The oil change had to be done though – I’m off to race at Canadian nationals this weekend so I wanted it finished before that.
Sooooo Easy!
Last time I got it done, the dealership charged me $250, which is outrageous. Even though the “special” synthetic oil they put in is supposed to last for 10,000 miles (16,000 kms) that is: A) still too much to pay and B) probably bullshit. I’m fairly handy so I thought I’d just tackle it myself, but it turns out the price of the just oil and filter from BMW is $150! That’s $19/Litre for the oil! Thinking the dealer was gouging me I called NAPA and they indeed had the same oil, but I could only buy it in 4 Litre jugs – for $131 each. That’s $262 just for the cost of the oil.
Fuck that.
Check the homemade funnel.
I did a bit more research and came across a post on bimmerforums discussing which oils are approved for which BMW engines. After calling back NAPA I was armed with some Castrol synthetic for $8/Litre. Total price for 8 Litres and a new filter: $86. Ha! Suck on that BMW.
The change itself went well, the biggest issue we had was jacking the car up on the angled driveway. There was an OH SHIT moment when an jackstand shifted as the full weight of the car came to rest on the front crossmember (which isn’t flat). The car only fell about an inch, but it was enough for both my brother and I to MacGuyver-roll, at record speed, right the fuck out of Dodge. Once the car settled down, it all went very smoothly. BMWs are a breeze to change the oil on. Just like a regular car you drain the oil out the bottom, but unlike a regular car there is no stupid oil filter screwed into the side of the engine block that you have to wrestle with. Simply open the hood, undo one bolt on the oil filter housing, take out the old filter, drop in the new one. Replace the o-rings and washers, fill it with oil and broom: Job Done!
Bizort!!
After that all I had to do was reset my service light. BMW also sells a special tool to do this. Prices range from $180 to $500. Or you can do what I did. Use a bent piece of wire to ground pin #7 for 11 seconds. Yep that’s it. 11 seconds and a piece of wire saved me $180.
All told it took us a couple of hours. Most of that was jacking the car up though – I highly recommend doing this on a flat surface for future oil changes.