What… is… that…
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< HurrBot> :pubesOnWall:
Music Review: Catherine Wheel – Black Metallic
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Black Metallic is apparently a classic 90s rock track which I was sent to review. According to the youtube comments it holds precious memories of better days for many. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before which is good – my review will be untainted by images of plaid shirts and Sony Walkmans.
So far this song sounds like it was recorded in a bathroom. These guys are pretty obviously Irish, which in itself is not a problem, but in order for me to understand what they’re saying I need to read the Old Testament while drinking motor oil in short brown pants. The only word I can clearly make out is Skin, so unless this is about tanning, I can only assume its political tirade about the Exxon Valdez. Either that or an ode to the bathroom from Trainspotting.
I’m not even sure this song is in time. These guys want to be Nirvana so bad they’re not just de-tuning their guitars, they’ve gone into the edgy realm of not actually learning how to play instruments in the first place. Black Metallic isn’t a song so much as it is a single chord played at the beginning of the track and then the “band” fiddles with the reverb knob for the rest of the song like they’re trying to hail Sputnik on a radio made from brown beans and discarded washing machine parts.
The production value is where this song really falls down. If it sounded any further away I probably wouldn’t be able to hear it at all, and thus I’d probably think it was good, or, at the very least, not horrible. Silence has better melody and songwriting skills than these guys will ever have.
Verdict: Bland as unsalted rice cakes. If this song were beer, Ireland herself would declare it “water” and use it to wash the storm sewers clean of discarded Sinead O’Connor cassette jackets and the Ebola virus.
Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0O9uNvoMec
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A friend of mine sent me an invite to Twitter on the weekend. I was confused. I’m still not even sure what Twitter is, but as near as I can tell it allows you to update your Status (ala Facebook) via the internet or SMS or something, so that everyone can follow your status, no matter how minute, during every second of every day.
Given that I loathe Facebook – I can’t imagine that I’d like Twitter. I’ve RSS’d his feed to read when I read the news, but no offence to him, I probably won’t join and post my own status. Just for fun though I thought I’d put together a post of what my Twitter would have looked like from last Sunday:
Damn. That looks Good.
- Jon is eating a hotdog
- Jon has eaten a hotdog
- Jon isn’t feeling so hot
- Jon’s insides are escaping
- Jon’s insides are on the next plane to mexico
- Jon is at home depot replacing his insides with copper pipe
- Jon is feeling better again
- Jon is somewhat concerned with rust
- Jon smells hotdogs…
- Jon doesn’t believe that hotdogs cause rust
- Jon wonders if hotdogs are in fact a rust inhibitor
- Jon loves hotdogs
- Jon is off to get a hotdog
Really this could be my Twitter page for everyday of my life.
Music Review: Elbow – Grounds for Divorce
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First off: Elbow? I hate these guys already. Their name alone has me all up in a used-sofa, plaid-shirt, OMG-HAVE-YOU-SEEN-NICK-AND-NORA, rage. All before I hit play – lets hope that once I do these slackers do work like a rickshaw on the way to Fatburger.
Holy Fuck am I wrong about these guys. Right from note 1 they’re bringing the heat with some juicy guitar so thick I want to cover it in Louisiana dry rub and bbq it for no more than 7 minutes MAX on a BBQ made out of 70s Cadillac Eldorado parts.
WAIT
Something is happening… its quiet. If they turn this into a Sonic band of the month song I’m going to just fucking…
WAIT
Oh yes! The sauce is back and it sounds like chipotle. I can almost reach out of my ears and grab onto this guitar with my hands. I want to lift it up off the ground with all my might and ride it into a desert sunset. It’s like the entire band had a dream that they were Gordie Johnson and before they woke up they wrote and recorded this song.
Verdict: I love this track. I’m now pro-elbow, which is good news, I can finally bend my arms to put on a sportcoat.
Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iL4mywCOJXA
Another Science Experiment
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A friend of mine has a broken cell phone that we were thinking of destroying during an exciting game of T-Ball, but today at lunch I had an even better idea. Cooking it in the microwave! This, in turn, lead me down a spiraling path of scientific discovery.
The old way of doing things
Apparently the cellphone can still make calls outgoing but not receive them. I therefore propose the following:
- Make a call to a regular phone using the phone.
- Put the phone in the microwave
- Close the door /! Important /!
- Turn the microwave on MEAT Defrost
- Answer the regular phone
- Place the sound-out part of the regular phone next to MEAT (frozen)
- Observe the power of remote MEAT Defrost!
- Revel
I love science
Quick Question
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<HurrBot> how much do you guys pay to get your pants hemmed?
Music Review: Philosopher Kings – Charms
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I had to listen to this song 3 times just to remember that I was supposed to be listening to it. Charms would make fine elevator music or something that you would hear bookended by two John Tesh tracks waiting in your dentists office to be told you need a root canal. The last song you ever hear could be this song, but you would never know it. You might as well be listening to the melodic harmonies of the fan on the water cooler.
The philosopher kings seem to be mailing it in on this one. Not like they ever rocked hard in any song, but in this case it sounds like they just recorded Wicked Game through the door of Chris Isaak’s studio and transmitted it to their own studio via 1990s cellular brick-phone technology.
They did the same thing with Robbie Williams on the vocals but they were outside of a motel 6 window while he snorted blow off the backs of 4 of the cleaning staff before ripping his own skin off and robbing a bank.
Verdict: I couldn’t care less about this song. This review could be about toast and it would be more interesting.
Listen to it here: http://www.videosurf.com/video/the-philosopher-kings-charms-51019830
Music Review: 01 Run.mp3
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I was emailed this mp3 with no other information. I can’t tell you who it is by or really anything else about it, but I can tell you how it sounds!
This song sounds like a Boney M Christmas cut and pasted under someone reading a junior high level poetry assignment. Hmm what Rhymes with Run?
How about Run?
Run! Nice…. that will work.
Ok what else rhymes with run?
Run does!
96% of all lyrics in this song are either Run, run, or run. The only thing repeated more in this crapfest is the boring beach boys guitar. Just an fyi this song is the basis for the entire plot of next season’s The O.C. The only reason anyone should listen to this is if you’re trying to hookup for some hot-buttered bromance on the beach with your favorite sandal-wearing, plaid-shirted, trucker hat locked on douche bag.
Verdict: Sucks. Badly.
About Media Review
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I once got a collection of music called the Pitchfork Media Top 100 Songs of ALL TIME. For those of you unaware, Pitchfork Media is a ultra-pretentious, quasi-sanctimonious, collection of idiots that review music. Pretty much any song that a sane person would like is horrible, according to them, and will usually be derided as uncreative drivel fit only for use as means of torture.
Conversely the dulcet tones of two goats trying to Eiffel Tower a mailbox would be the second (MAYBE THIRD?!?!) coming of Christ and rocket up the charts to the number one track in the whole world for not just this month, but for all months until the end of time. Or at least until The Strokes release a new single.
Suffice it to say – Pitchfork Media sucks. This lead me to write my own reviews of Pitchfork’s self-proclaimed greatest songs ever. Read those here: http://funbarn.ca/wiki/index.php?title=Music_Reviews
I’m going to continue this tradition of reviewing music but thought that I could branch out to all media: music; movies; books; taco salads; clouds; other reviews. Anything really.
If you have anything you would like me to review. Let me know and I’ll do it!
The Scientific Method
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Secrets Inside
I was just in the elevator holding my tea thing precariously with one hand. I really like my tea thing.
It’s stainless steel with a vacuum inside and has a good sealing lid.
At that moment i thought “Man this tea thing is the best! I bet if it slipped out of my hands it wouldn’t even spill any tea on me!”
Then i thought, scientific minded as I am, that I should test that out.
I turned it upside down and poured tea all over the floor.
Boy, that was dumb.