Actually, that’s not true. I took it to a weigh station I’ve used before but it said 1030. Even assuming that is in kg, it would mean somehow I’ve managed to remove 1100 lbs from my car leaving me at 2270 lbs. So what I need to do is take the car to a WORKING scale and have it weighed again.

The best part about the stripping was taking off the catback portion of the exhaust. As you can see in this video entitled “Vroom Noise”

Exciting games such as the classic “break into small groups and  name 5 things that you all have in common” game. Or the even more exciting “break into small groups and name something unique to each of you” game.

There were about 50 of us in the room, broken into groups of 8 or 9 people and after the second game, each person had to announce to the room what they said was unique about them in the group that they were in. It was fairly standard stuff:

“I’m an accountant”; “I play piano”; “I speak Spanish”; “I was in jail”; “I own a cat named buckles”.

Until we got to one guy who stated very matter-0f-factly:

“I have a Vintage Porn collection”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaa oh really?

Everyone was laughing except for him, until one of the ladies leaned over and whispered to him and he exclaimed:

“PORT!! VINTAGE PORT!! I HAVE A LOT OF OLD BOTTLES OF PORT!!”

Suuuuuuuuuure you do.

But that lead me to wonder. What vintage does porn have to be to be considered Vintage Porn? Like 80s Porn? The shoulder pads and big hair days? 70s Porn? With pube sideburns and fly ass bell bottoms? Older than that?

Maybe Vintage means it’s so old you have to accompany it by playing your own piano.

But then how would you masturbate AND keep the (heh) beat?

I bet that’s why the player piano was invented. In it’s day the player piano was the pinacle of luxury porn watching.

Porn invents everything.

But then… Who would know?

I need some black and white Fred Astaires. Tap shoes.

That way when approaching the crescendo you can tap roll up to it. Then!

Keraplooooosh!

Then taptaptap delicate flush.

Check out more crazy precarious offroading awesomeness. Including some ill advised attempts at jumping my car dukes of hazzard style as well as a manuever as close to rolling my car as I ever want to come.

Looking at the last group of clips I made the previous video from, all the action seemed fairly tame compared to what it felt and sounded like in the car. My brother graciously volunteered his right arm to capture some amazing footage including us almost not making it up a fairly steep incline.

Crazy Woman: Wow… that is a really nice pen. Can I see that pen?

Cashier: Uh… <hands over pen>

CW: Wow thats so nice! <fondles pen inappropriately> mumblemumble i steal pens… mumblemumble i like pens mumblemumble

Cashier: …. yep… uh… wait what? <slowly retrieves pen from the clutches of crazy>

The woman stared back at the Cashier and handed over cash for her groceries and left.

I walked up and the Cashier asked me: Did she say she steals pens?

Me: Yep. That was pretty weird.

Cashier: Ya… when she first came up to the till one of her finger nails fell off and she immediately picked it up and put it in her MOUTH.

Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA wow… listen, where can I get an application to work here?

I wandered over and picked up one of them. There was a lady there who said

“I don’t understand why kids like these”

To which I replied “Angry Birds are AWESOME” >:( and held her blank stare with a Fierce Gaze.

She stammered and said she was a librarian and had come across an Angry Birds themed cookbook.

I said that it must be all chicken recipes.

She laughed politely – I continued my Fierce Gaze and slowly backed away.

Later on I was telling this story to someone who said

“Well, maybe it’s a pork cookbook? It could be Jewish.”

I replied “That totally makes sense! After all, the Angry Birds always fly to the east!!”

Angry Bird meat is therefore 100% Halal.

Tim was looking at logfiles for this program called Linkbot.  Back when I still worked there, I re-wrote all the Perl scripts that run it and wrote things to the logfiles. So for 6 years the scripts would write something like:

# Linkbot worked! Yay!1
print LOG “Linkbot run finished successfully (hah) at ” .localtime(time()) .”\n”;

to the log files.

All this time the people that read the logfiles thought that (hah) was a status code generated by Linkbot to indicate that it finished successfully.

It was something I wrote because even though Linkbot would finish, it never did it’s job properly because it was a pile of crap.

Lessons in good programming itt.

I’m not saying I could do it, but fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck is it boring to watch

If you want to make Darts a sport, then combine it with something like running full speed. Even better, combine it with hurdles! Whenever you jump over a a hurdle throw a dart and try to hit something.

And the dart board should move. Put the dartboard on the side of a horse doing horse jumping alongside the track.

Now that is some shit I would watch.

I like to break out into a full speed run to the parking lot. No hesitation, no looking around for the store employees about some kind of mistake – an instant full speed run. The second the first chirp hits my ear drum, I’m gone like a convict on laundry day.

For extra effect I like to slide across the hood of my car and do a huge burnout as I peel out of the parking lot screaming out the window

“You’ll never take me alive you commie bastaaaaaaaaaaaaards!!!”

Of course this isn’t as funny for whoever I’m shopping with that has to stand around and try explain what is wrong with me.

Without much further ado, I present to you Crappy OffRoading Movie – Vol 1: